MacGyver's in the house

Dispatch, to an officer responding to a disturbance: Caller said the suspect is inside. There are no guns or knives in the house, but it's filled with weapons.
Officer: 10-4. What did the caller mean by "it's filled with weapons" then?
Dispatch: Caller said that it's because the house is full of stuff and the suspect will use anything as a weapon.

The legal age for that is in years, not months.

Dispatch: Medical, respond to ADDRESS. Caller says there's an 18-month-old child at this address who ate chewing tobacco.

Most wonderful time of the year...

Cop on the radio describing to other cops how to handle a search warrant: "He's liquored up and angry, so he's either going to fight or run. Or both."

Merry Christmas

Report of a fight at [address] that possibly needs a medical response. Woman is hiding in the bathroom. She is saying she used a coat hanger as a weapon.

Last minute shopping

Employee at Chuck E Cheese's is reporting that there are two children that have been left alone there for nearly an hour.

Owie!

Medical call for a 5-year-old who got into the medicine cabinet. He has some kind of ointment on his eyes and can't see.

That's the holiday giving spirit

Dispatch: Respond to the Kmart on 24th. There are three intoxicated males in the parking lot throwing shoes and other belongings at customers. They're also now getting into the trash cans there.

Somebody saves Christmas every year...

Firefighter, after responding to a report of a fire in an oven: Dispatch, we've saved the holiday cheesecake and we'll be returning to the station.

Surprise, surprise

Man is calling from Miles City reporting that his car has been stolen in Billings.
His wife took the car to Billings, and loaned it to a transient, who was supposed to have left it at the Heights Wal-Mart.
The car is not there.

I want CANDY!

Woman would like officers to respond to her location at the 3G's convenience store because her eight-year-old daughter is throwing a temper tantrum. Woman reports that the girl is stomping her feet.

Trying to defy the laws of physics

Caller is reporting that a woman in her 40's wearing a cowboy hat is standing in front of a semi truck trying to push it and is yelling at the truck driver.
Officer on scene reports that it is a confrontation after an accident that happened a few miles up the road.

Well, he certainly proved something

Dispatch: Please respond to the front entrance of Rimrock Mall. Complainant says her boyfriend is drunk and trying to prove to her that he's okay to drive home. Suspect is now driving recklessly around the parking lot.

Snowball fight!

Dispatcher to cop: Respond to a disturbance at XXXXXXX. Complainant says the suspect was throwing snowballs at his trailer. The suspect is back in his trailer now. I'll send cover cars.

They're always adding new laws

Dispatch: Respond to XXXX for some kind of disturbance. Complainant says there's a man standing outside of his house and all he'll say is that he's 'disrespecting.'
Officer #1: 10-4. You said all the complainant said is that this guy is disrespecting?
Dispatch: Affirmative.
Officer #2: Didn't you hear? It's a new section in the Montana State Code.

Yeah, I'm sick of the cold, too

Report of a woman screaming or praying. Possibly has 2-7 (mental health) issues. Caller would like her welfare checked.

My puppy does that sometimes too

Dispatch: Respond to a drunk complaint on Central and 27th Street West. Caller says there's a drunk man stumbling down the middle of road on Central. Caller says that now he's sitting down and scooting along on his butt.

Welcome to Montana

Officer out with a stuck vehicle. It's a black Geo Prizm with California license plates.

I'd say the first one is more worrisome

Dispatch sending police to check on the welfare of a woman who can't find her children or her food.

Ready to strike.

Dispatcher: Respond to XXXXXXXX for a reported threat. Suspect may have a knife and a gun in the house, as well as a "black widow spider ready to strike."

Cop: Did you say a black widow spider?

Dispatcher: "Ready to strike."

Cop: OK. (Laughter)

Strayin' and Brayin'

Call about a donkey that is loose on the road. It possibly belongs to the people in the green house. The caller would like the area checked.

Music to patrol by

Dispatch to officer who just radioed in: Are you listening to circus music?
Officer: (chuckles) Affirmative.
Dispatch: I'm not judging you.

Getting in touch with thier wolf genes

Caller is reporting three boxers dogs on the loose in their neighborhood. They have killed a cat, and are covered in blood. The caller believes they are killing other animals as well.

Pants on fire.

Dispatch: Respond to XXXXXXXXX address. Complainant there says someone has replaced her pants with a different size. She thinks she's been burglarized. Check to see that everything is 10-38 (in other words, check to see if she's sane).

Cop: (Laughter). Obviously she's not.

Dispatch (about a minute later): She is psychotic, violent and does not like police. She has guns. That's from a 2006 report.

Put it on ice, folks

Report of a couple in an alley fighting over a freezer.

Halloween scare

Caller is complaining that there is a man in his 20's wearing a white jumpsuit and a mohawk and carrying a knife, and that he is scaring children on the street.

Neighborhood watcher?

Caller is complaining that his neighbor is filming him. Suspect is a 60-year-old white male.

Too many monster hot dogs

Medical call for a man with diabetic problems in the Costco food court.

What's in a name

Officer after pulling somebody over: I've got the name here and it's the longest first name I've ever seen in my life (proceeds to read a name with about 25 total letters)
Dispatch: 10-4. I'd like to hear you pronounce it now.
Officer: Yeah right.

Running late for school?

Report of a 6- to 7-year-old child alone walking north on N. 27th St. barefoot, wearing pyjamas.

Opening day of hunting season

Caller says that a truck drove past his house and a deer carcass flew out of the back. He would like police to come photograph the evidence and get a name from the Fish & Game tag.

One-vehicle rollover

Report of a woman who has tipped over in her electric wheelchair on Yellowstone River Road.

Sneaking out with God?

Dispatch: Missing persons report on a 76-year-old who has left Valley Health Care, possibly to go to church.
She is possibly with a 78-year-old man driving a gray Ford. Both have a history of diabetes, and she has a history of falling.

Throwing rocks

Dispatch says Snowbird (a local downtown character who listens to police scanners 24/7) is following people, harassing them and throwing rocks.

Cop (into radio): "Snowbird, KNOCK IT OFF!"

Stuck

Dispatch: "Medic 1 respond to Billings Clinic, parking lot nearest the emergency room. Caller says they can't get out of their car and security refuses to provide a wheelchair."

It's a medicine ....

A person apparently overdosed on something and has a medical marijuana card...
First Officer: "I didn't know you could overdose on marijuana."
Second Officer: "It's medicine. You can overdo medicine."
First Officer: "That's right, silly me."

Somebody's been watching too many old westerns

Dispatch: Weapons complaint at XXXXX. Caller says she just saw two men running through the alley behind this address. One of them had a rifle and the other had a bow and arrow.

Is it blocking traffic?

Cop: "Responding to XXXXXXX. We've got a one-wheelchair rollover."

It's not like he's stealing it

Dispatch: The complainant says that one of the suspects is taking garbage out of the back of a pickup truck and throwing it away at the Holiday gas station. It looks like a box of Budweiser.

That neighborhood association is tough

Dispatch: Complainant says that his neighbor won't let him mow his lawn. This issue stems from a dog (or maybe drug, the scanner was a little garbled) complaint.

Boo!

Caller reporting that there is a man passed out in the lobby of the Hobby Lobby store, in the seasonal department.

That narrows it down

Dispatch: Respond to XXXX for a weapons complaint. Complainant says the suspect is short, fat and has a gun.

That time machine must be acting up again

Dispatcher: Officers respond to (address) for an alarm going off. Zone is "Hot Tub Motion Detector."

At least a unicorn wasn't driving...

Officer (after pulling over an erratic driver): I'll be clearing the scene. The driver said he saw a UFO and freaked out.

Clearly, he is not the king of the jungle

Medical call at Two Moon Park for a man who fell 20 feet out of a tree. He is awake and breathing.

Call Green Man!

Caller is reporting that there is a person in the Wells Fargo parking lot dumping oil down the storm drain. Vehicle is described as a Toyota Tundra.

It's the fashion police

Dispatch: Suspect is wearing a black shirt and purple pants. After Labor Day.

At least he remembered the number for 9-1-1

Dispatch: Officers respond to OZ Fitness for a man who has lost his memory.

That should make pulling them over easy

Dispatch: We've got a report of two vehicles at Shiloh and Grand driving extremely slow on purpose and trying to hold up traffic.

Waving hello, perhaps?

Weapons complaint at 24th and Lewis for a man waving a 10-inch knife at traffic. He is 6' 200 lbs. and wearing a tan jacket and red pants.

Street show

Officer: We've got a guy dancing in the middle of the street ... he's blocking traffic. He's in front of a dental clinic. Twenties, male, black is our only description...

Ghost with a sense of humor...

Dispatch: "Respond to XXXXXX. Complainant there says there's a 28-year-old woman who keeps running in and out of the apartment screaming that a ghost keeps turning her radio on and off. Suspect is wearing a pink half shirt and short denim miniskirt, possibly on 47 (drugs). The complainant is requesting that you check the welfare of the children there."

Ridin' the rails isn't as easy as you think

Report of a man who was seen running along the train tracks trying to jump onto a moving train. He fell and hit his head, but does not believe he needs medical attention. He is possibly intoxicated.

Maybe he's just stopping to smell the flowers?

Medical call for a man in a wheelchair passed out in a planter on Montana Ave. A passerby believes he might need medical attention.

Thanks for the info

Cop: "Just so you know, guys, there's a very drunk Native American male in his 40's on the sidewalk headed south on 27th Street by the courthouse. He is screaming at everyone and having a hard time walking."

Dispatcher: "10-4"

Share and share alike

Officer: We've got a couple of guys in wheel chairs sharing a bottle back and forth."

Halloween's only a month away

Dispatch: Advising of the cold theft of a banana costume. Complainant asked to be met at ADDRESS.

Cancel the firefighters

Dispatch: "Respond to XXXXX for a report of a 65-year-old woman who has fallen out of a tree."

Did they do that on purpose?

Dispatch: The vehicle is engulfed in flames just west of the Dick Johnston Bridge. It was moving when it caught fire. Complainant said the vehicle is a Chevy Blazer.

Those darn kids with their skateboards on the sidewalks

Dispatch: Complainant said he's driving by the skate park and that there's some kids skating there. There's a light on over the park and he's worried they might steal some construction materials nearby.

He doesn't really get the term 'bust a cap,' does he?

Dispatch: The suspect is wearing a white hat, dark jeans and is on Rollerblades. He also may be carrying a cap gun.

Is that like sliding them $5 for all the leftover fries?

Dispatch: We've got a report of a disturbance at the Burger King on King Ave. Complainant says there's a male subject here who urinated on a newspaper stand and started begging for burgers.

One..eh. Three...that'd be impressive.

Dispatch: Respond to a drunk complaint. We've got an intoxicated male subject laying in the street and Second Ave. N. and N. 24th.

Officer: 10-4, I'm on my way. Do you think I can jump over him?

Isn't that what usually happens when you drink too much?

Dispatch: Respond to ADDRESS for a woman who said she drank too much and now doesn't feel good.

Crimestopper

Caller reports that he just saw a blue plastic 4-wheeler in a front yard on Myrtle Drive. He is concerned because he read a letter to the editor in the Gazette that said someone had a 4-wheeler stolen.
He would like this one checked out.

Wait...what?

Dispatch: A man called in asking for officers to come arrest him. When we asked why he should be arrested he said it's because his neighbors are messing with him. They broke his fishing pole and have been in his house several times.

Take a drink

Dispatch: Respond to XXXXXX for a 57-year-old woman here who has a pill stuck in her throat. It won't go up ... (15 second pause) ... or down.

That's a great use of emergency dispatch

Dispatch: Respond to a 911 hangup call at ADDRESS. Upon callback, complainant said they called 911 to report a rooster making too much noise.

Officer: Copy, I'm on my way. Do you think I need backup?

He's just holding the purse until 1988 gets back...

Dispatch: Respond to a disturbance at the Montana Brewing Company. Caller says the suspect was kicked out of the bar but looks like he's returning. Suspect is described as a male wearing a Poison t-shirt with an American flag on it and he's carrying a woman's purse. Complainant said he's trying to take items off of the tables.

That's one way to catch speeders

Report broadcast that there is a large fishing net across the driving lanes at mile marker 440 on I-90.

Okay, that's just asking for it

Cop calling in a traffic stop at Montana Ave. and 27th Street: A red Corvette with a personalized plate.

Caution: Keep fingers out of cage!

Caller is reporting that someone was bitten by a lemur at the Billings Clinic booth at MontanaFair. They are refusing medical.

The wrong one's driving

Dispatch: We've got a report on Highway 87 East of an adult woman driving a child's 4-wheeler down the road towards the 3Gs store with three children riding on the back. The only description is that all of them have brown hair.

"Cutting" is a unique middle name

Dispatch: Caller named Jonathan is having a dispute with the tree cutting guy.

Cop: So is Jonathan the tree cutting guy?

Dispatch: No, the suspect is just the "tree cutting guy."

Why not steal the pizza instead?

Dispatch: Respond to a theft at Walmart. Complainant is a Domino's delivery driver. He was making a delivery there when someone stole the Domino's sign off the top of his car. He wants the area checked and then make contact at Domino's.

A heart attack at the heart clinic?

Dispatch: Ambulance 1 respond to 1020 N. 27th St. This is Billings Clinic Cardiology. There's an 85-year-old female there with chest pain.

Medicated

DUI complaint at Montana Meds (a medical marijuana store.) Caller witnessed three white males in their 20's holding beer cans get into a white Chevy van.

This bed is juuuuust right

Dispatch: Please respond to a disturbance at ADDRESS. Complainant said he fell asleep on his couch while watching TV and when he woke up, somebody was sleeping in his bed and he has no idea who it is.

Too much NWA...

Dispatch: Complainant says that she heard a man at this address say that he wants to kill all snitches and backstabbers.

Michael Vick in town?

Respond to Fourth Avenue North and North 25th St. Complainant states that there is a group of 20-something males trying to get their dogs to attack him.

Yes, but does he do windows?

Caller reports that a man walked into her store possibly high on 4-7's. He is complaining that his daughter is missing. He also picked up a broom and is now sweeping the floors.

Streaker in training?

Caller complaining that she caught her neighbor's kid chasing her daughter around with his pants down, exposing himself.

One for the road

Possible DUI call of a man in a truck with license plate "4MYSONS"
Caller saw man buy the beer, drink the beer, then get in the truck and drive away.

Like a key fob...

Dispatch: Respond to a possible drunk driver. Caller at ADDRESS said the suspect was stumbling around the parking lot blowing an air horn, then got into his pickup and left.

Serious crimes

Dispatch: Complainant says their neighbor is constantly staring at them and calling them names.

I get those two confused all the time too

Dispatch: Respond to the area of 16th and Broadwater. Complainant was driving by and said she saw a person who looks like they're having a seizure.
...about 30 seconds later...
Dispatch: The complainant has now stopped and walked up to the subject. She said it looks like they're just pulling weeds.

Hay is for horses

Caller is complaining that there is a man cutting and stealing the hay on his property. The suspect is on a red tractor with a green baler, and is possibly intoxicated.

Sitting one off

Dispatch: "Respond to Burger King on N. 27th for a female passed out on the toilet. The female is very intoxicated. She has now walked out the front door and the complainant can no longer see her."

Another helpful fella

Dispatch: We've got a drunk complaint at ADDRESS. The suspect is also the complainant. He says he's drunk and wants to be taken to jail. His girlfriend is there and says she's worried he might freak out when this happens.

I guess that makes things easy.

Dispatch: Respond to a disturbance at The Crystal (a bar). There's an intoxicated female walking around with an open container outside advising people she's going to be a handful tonight.

Green thumb?

Dispatch: Medical, respond to the intersection of Montana and N. 27th. Caller reports there's a man laying in a planter.

Uh, the point is to stay up, right?

Caller reports a motorcyclist racing up and down the street who keeps "throwing down" his bike. The caller believes he is on 4-7s [drugs].

I don't think they're the feelings police.

Dispatch: Respond no code to stage to ADDRESS. Caller says there's a male subject sitting in the parking lot crying.

Oh, and I'm sure the cops showing up will calm them right down

Caller reports that there are a man in a woman parked in a truck in the eastbound lanes of I90 "tweaking out."

Where else are you supposed to do that?

Dispatch: Please respond to the Holiday gas station. We've got a report of a man who keeps going into the bathroom and eating sandwiches. He's in the bathroom right now.

The check's in the air

DISPATCH: Respond to XXXX address for a disturbance. The complainant is at the suspect's house trying to get her son's unemployment checks. Her son's wife, the suspect, is refusing to give them to her and has thrown a rock at the complaint's truck.

Another one of those Russian spies, perhaps?

Dispatch - Area check for a suspicious male that's been hanging around the last couple of days. He has a walkie-talkie that he talks to. Description includes a black "barrette" [beret].

At least he was trying to help

Dispatcher to reporter, during afternoon cop checks: Not much going on today. Our big news was that we had a runaway goat this afternoon. He was out directing traffic. And backing it up.

That Palomino's got a killer right hook

Dispatch: Respond to a complaint at ADDRESS. Complainant says there's a man here fighting with a horse.

What a considerate lady

Officer, about a case he's working: She says the suspect left her bag of meth there to reassure her she'd come back.

The driver was probably upset about failing the test

Traffic complaint at the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles.) Complainant reports that they were almost hit by a truck in the parking lot of the DMV. The driver has left the scene.

Little Brown Jug

Drunk complaint at 29th and Montana. Caller reports that there are about 10 people outside passing a jug around and wearing ratty clothing.

Thanks, Captain Obvious!

Officer investigating a drug complaint: "Well, it smells like marijuana here because it's a marijuana store."

No, that's just what happens when you eat there...

Dispatch: Caller is at the downtown Denny's, inside the building. He says he thinks a snake bit him there and that his body is tingling all over.

You say potato ...

Dispatch: Caller is reporting the theft of an ... ogre ... ?

Cop: "That would be auger."

Dispatch: "That is correct."

Well, he may be French...

Officer, after a huge rain/hail storm hit the area: It's raining so hard out here that I saw a frog on the side of the road and he was holding up a white flag.

Nude driving

DISPATCH: Attempt to locate in the vicinity of the Speedy Wash. Vehicle is described as a black BMW. Suspect is a 30s white male with no shirt and his pants around his ankles the last time the complainant saw him.

One more try...

Testing yet again...

Why is this so hard?

For some reason, new blog posts still aren't being uploaded to Facebook. So we've adjusted some more settings and posting another test post in 3, 2, 1,

What's the number again?

Dispatch: We've got a caller who just dialed 911 to ask what 911 is.

Some don't like the roundabouts here, but really?

Dispatch: Caller reports there's a female standing in the middle of the road, throwing road construction signs into the middle of the roadway.

Officer: I've got her. She's in the parking lot of the Reno, throwing traffic signs and cones into the road.

Dispatch: Don't get hit.

Bored or frustrated?

Officer #1: We're meeting on Main Street. I thought we already agreed to that.
Officer #2: siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggghhhh

But did you beat the high score at the arcade pinball?

Caller at Rimrock Mall has lost track of his 86-year-old uncle. The uncle may be headed down 24th St. West.

We're on Facebook

We've created a Facebook page, but there's a glitch somewhere in the system, so these blog posts aren't getting posted to Facebook very quickly.

So, we've made a change or two. Let's consider this a test post...

If you know you're crazy, doesn't that make you more sane?

Dispatch: A 47-year-old woman is calling in complaining that she is insane. She is awake and breathing.

Dog update

Officer describing the dog (with barking in the background):

"It's a pretty big one. It's brown with a white face and a little red pepper spray on its face."

Throw it a bone

Dispatch: Animal complaint. The complainant states that the neighbor’s pit bull is pacing at the end of their driveway and they can’t get out to their mailbox. The pit bull is known to be aggressive.

The stress of parenthood, perhaps?

Passerby reports that there is a female in her 30's next to a parked minivan with her head resting on the sidewalk. The caller reports that there are crying children inside the minivan, but is unsure of what the problem is.

If it was in a tree, it would've been the fire department.

Officer: I'm on scene. The complainant says that he's got some kind of rabid animal underneath his car.

...a few minutes later...

Officer: Well, he's got a cat stuck in the car's wheel well. Somebody else here says they've called in about this and they're on hold with you right now.

Dispatch: Hold on, let me check. Yeah, I see the call here.

Officer: So do we have anybody who can respond who has...uh...this kind of expertise?

Dispatcher #2: Why don't you start with "Here kitty, kitty, kitty."

Officer: Affirmative.

Dispatcher #3: Or if you call him Rex, he might just come out.

Officer: Affirmative. (sighs) Just tell whoever's coming out here to bring some gloves, too. (calls out for any available animal control units)

I feel pretty...

Dispatch: Suspect is described as white male with blond hair and wearing a denim dress.

Isn't that kind of their job?

Officer, after responding to a drunk call: Can you call the cab company, or whatever it is, and ask them why they don't take drunk people home?

Dispatch, a few minutes later: I called the cab company. They said it's up to the driver's discretion whether or not to give somebody a ride home and whether they feel safe doing it. They said it's their right to choose to refuse service.

Officer: Wow. Alright, I'll remember that on Friday and Saturday nights and tell people to call someone else from now on.

Maybe it's an actual pirate?

Dispatch: Caller reports a strange man in the parking lot. He's trying to sell jewelry and harassing people. Caller also reports he has a large knife in his pants. Described the suspect as wearing a "weird looking" red jacket, like a pirate jacket.

Gotta support your kids

Dispatch: Respond to a possible vandalism at XXXXX. The business owner said a male juvenile walked by and threw a rock through the window. The complainant said the child's mother then started yelling at him when he went outside to confront them.

Must be a Californian

Cop to dispatch: "I'll be out here at 29th and Montana at an accident with one of the worst drivers I've ever seen. I'll advise on injuries."

aaaannd...

Cop to dispatch: "I'll be out here on State [Avenue] arguing with a guy on a go-kart."

Haulin'

Cop: If you get a report of a man pushing a wheelbarrow on Sugar Ave., he's headed over to the trailer court. I've checked on him - he's fine.

No Parking Zone

Verbal disturbance on 25th Street West. Caller's elderly neighbor is in the front yard yelling at her about a trailer parked on the street.

Drunk at 10 a,.m. on Memorial Day

Dispatch: I have a harassment call at XXXX Alderson Ave. Complainant says her husband is threatening to shoot their cat with a BB gun if it doesn't stop running around the house. The husband currently has a BB gun. Suspect is intoxicated.

When ya gotta go...

From Friday night
Officer: What's going over at the Metra? Do they need assistance?
Dispatch: Negative. There's a man at the concert there urinating. Complainant just wanted him removed.

Hollerin'

Complaint at Dehler Park of two males and a female in the parking lot at the back of the park hollerin' at passersby.
The caller does not want contact, just the area checked.

Singin' to the Heavens

Caller complaining that there is a car playing loud music in front of his house.

**5 minutes later**

Caller now says that it is not a car, but the church across the street blaring the music, and would like it stopped.

What kind of dart are we talking about?

Dispatch: Respond to 390 Jackson. Caller at this address says there's a woman with a dart stuck in her head. Caller is being uncooperative.

ew. ew. ew.

Medical respond to a man who is ill after urinating out a flatworm.

Book 'em, Danno

Dispatch: We've got a caller who said she wants someone to read her her rights.

Bomb da Bass

Caller is complaining that there are two speakers on the sidewalk, and that they are shaking the building.

That could have something to do with it

Medical call for a man in his 50's who is shaking and vomiting. He has been drunk for the past few days.

Unlucky baby

Dispatch: Respond to State Avenue for a report of a man riding a bicycle cursing at traffic. There's a baby carrier towed behind the bike but its unclear if there's a baby in the carrier. The suspect keeps falling over on his bike and is extremely intoxicated.

Couldn't he just get a band-aid there?

Dispatch: Medical, respond to the CVS pharmacy for a male with a cut on his finger.

Kids these days...

Report of kids at South Park trying to put a park bench on the swings and tip over a port-a-potty.

May be slurring his words

Possible DUI alert on a man driving a truck known to be an angry drunk. He is possibly not wearing his bottom dentures.

Squeeze of love

Caller reports an elderly woman who says she was hugged too hard and may have broken a rib.

He could've just asked for a ride

Dispatch: We've got a report of a verbal dispute. Complainant says he's arguing with a subject. The subject is saying that the complainant's vehicle is his vehicle. Complainant says he has no idea who the subject is.

Donkeys in Lockwood, now this

Dispatch: Please respond to Pug Mahon's (a downtown restaurant/bar) on First Avenue North. Caller reports somebody rode their horse to the bar and hitched it up outside. The suspect is inside the bar. The horse is still outside.

...a few minutes later....

Officer: Dispatch, 3-bravo, 10-8 (police code, basically means he's back in service).
Dispatch: Copy. Did you say 'bronco?'
Officer: That was funny.

(The first two sentences are paraphrased. I was on the phone when it came across and a coworker filled in some of the details)

Well, where else is he going to keep the treats?

Dispatch: Caller reports a man standing on the corner, throwing things to some dogs on the other side of the fence at the intersection. He's described as a white male wearing a baseball cap and plastic bags on his feet.

(Thanks to Casey for calling this one in)

Liver and a cold 40

Dispatch: Engine 1 and AMR, respond to the Holiday station at 6th North and North 27th for a 48-year-old man who is complaining that his liver is going out. He's very hard to understand.

Where are the rims?

Dispatch: Local cars prepare to copy on a DUI driver in the area of Wicks Lane. No description on the driver. Driving a Ford F-150 described as having no wheels.

Mother probably knows best

Caller is reporting that she is 18 years old, and that her mother will not let her drive her own vehicle.

Hee Haw

Caller reports two donkeys loose on Lockwood Road.

That's a tough angle for the tweezers

Fire and medical respond to a man with a sliver in his buttocks.

Is it littering if it's biodegradable, or is he just recycling?

Dispatch: Caller reports that there's a man near the East Bridge on the west side of the river tearing up paper and throwing it into the water.

It's only fair that, for once, we provide them with the info...

Officer: Did a car crash through a fence into the baseball field early this morning?
Dispatch: I think so. There was something about that online in the newspaper.

Just takin' a load off

Dispatch: Caller reports that he just came out of his room and found an unknown suspect sleeping on the couch.

One way to get a free meal

Pizza Hut delivery driver is reporting that the people he delivered a pizza to are refusing to pay for it, and refusing to give the pizza back.

Reliving his youth

Caller reports a man in his 40's is throwing unidentified objects at traffic and yelling at passers-by. He appears to be intoxicated.

Neighborhood Watch

A man is calling about suspicious activity at his neighbor's house. The property is vacant, but he just noticed that the grass has been cut. He had been asked to call if he noticed anything.

Cop A to backup cop: You don't have to hurry.

Backup cop: Don't worry, I wasn't planning on it. Do you want me to stop and pick up the crime scene truck?

He definitely watches too much "24"

An elderly man is calling in because he found sticks of dynamite in his car and thinks he is being set up.

Phantom pains

Dispatch: Medical, stage in the area of 3020 Seventh Avenue North. Caller states he has a broken arm and doesn't know how it happened. Sounds like a disturbance in the background.

Lift Assist

Service assist call for a man who fell out of a chair. He is not injured, just needs help getting back up.

Missed the full moon, but I suppose two halves count.

Dispatch: We've got a traffic complaint of a tan minivan heading eastbound on I90 near mile marker 455. Caller says subjects in the car were mooning people as they drove by and almost caused two accidents.

That's gotta be a mistake, right?

Dispatch: Suspect is described as a white male, 6 feet tall, 300 pounds and with a slim build.

Get thee to Iowa

Dispatch: "There's a woman calling in, possibly 2-7 (mentally ill), who says she does not want to stay in the Devil's land and wants to go back to Iowa."

Cop, after giving a description of the woman: Oh, she's the one who walks around downtown talking to herself. She's extremely 2-7.

Hulk smash!

Dispatch: There's a disturbance of some sort in the Metra parking lot. Caller reports there's a man pulling branches off trees in a fit of anger.

It's the next Bond girl

Report of a reckless driver at 16th St. W. and Grand Ave. It's a white Camaro with foreign license plates speeding and weaving in and out of traffic. Driver is a white female with blonde hair and a "smug look on her face."
Last seen headed west on Grand.

I'd be more worried about the other guy...

Dispatch: Complainant called in to report that her son is home alone after school. She said he called her and told her that he was home alone and saw somebody outside staring at him so he grabbed a baseball bat and hit him. She said she's worried about her son.

Portable dollar store

Dispatch: Respond to a suspicious at Eighth Street West and Grand Avenue. Caller reports an elderly male with a shopping cart selling things for a dollar. He's selling them to children.

Cop: I hope it's not a pregnant male.

Second cop: Good point.

Howling at the moon

After getting the call about an old man with a shopping cart at Rehberg and Grand selling items to children for $1:
Cop: "Just keeps getting better and better."
Dispatcher: "Full moon tomorrow."

You want potato oles with that?

Caller is reporting a possible DUI in the drive-through at Taco John's. A woman in a blue Subaru has hit the building, and is now headed west on Central Ave.

Boy or girl?

Thanks to my co-worker Jim for calling me at home to post this gem:
A man is at Family Services sweating and holding his right side, saying he is going into labor.

Ouch

(This one's from last week. I just found it in my notes, so it gets posted now.)

Dispatch: Medical, respond to the Holiday store on King Avenue East for a woman in pain because she put super glue in her eye.

Dog the Bounty Hunter?

Dispatch: "Respond to a suspicious from 20 minutes ago at 2926 Normal, XXXXXXXX Day Care. A group of suspects said they were bounty hunters and were going to every day care on Rimrock looking for a subject. First suspect is described as male Hispanic or possibly Native American, wearing jeans, a flak jacket, baseball hat. Possibly drinking. Said he was a bondsman."

But did he get the quarters?

Manager of Burger King on N. 27th reports that a man came in and requested two rolls of quarters. While he was getting the coins, the man "freaked out" and punched the cash register and left.

Sounds suspicious to me

(Dispatcher using highly skeptical voice the entire time) Report of a suspicious person in the alley behind 401 S. 29th St. The caller says the suspect shouldn't be there because ... she steals. The suspect is sitting on the steps and is wearing ... (5 second pause) high heels and tight clothing. Nothing further.

Suicide prevention

Man calling 911 because he can't walk and would like to kill himself. Dispatcher: "He says he wants to cut himself with a knife but currently does not have knife available."

Payback

Dispatch: Complainant reports that her neighbor is walking around with a BB gun. She said he called the police on her son and now the complainant is returning the favor.

It was claimed minutes later

"You're not gonna believe this, but I've got a full-sized couch in the middle of State Avenue."


Update from cop five minutes later: "I had a passerby who wanted that sofa, so we loaded it up and I'll be 10-8 (back in service)."

That's one way...

Dispatch: We've got some sort of physical altercation going on. Complainant reports that his wife is repeatedly punching herself in the face. He believes she's doing this because she wants to go to jail for some reason.

Not the spot

Dispatcher: We've got a report of a disturbance near King Ave. West and Mullowney Lane. A male subject has been panhandling at the underpass there and he just stepped out and urinated in front of the cars stopped at the light.

At least he was wearing a belt under the trench coat

Caller reports a man in an alley wearing a trench coat and with a dagger hanging from his belt. She thinks it's suspicious.

Like splitting the dinner check?

Dispatcher: We've got a disturbance. Caller reports a vehicle that's been parked in front of her house for a while with two people inside. She reports that they may be drinking, then were doing boyfriend-girlfriend things.

Finders keepers?

Cop calls into dispatch wondering if anyone reported a missing child. No one has. Scanner is now quiet.

Responsibility

Dispatcher: We've got some sort of disturbance. Caller reports that he accidentally spilled some chili on his wife and that he's been drinking.

Almost there

Dispatcher: Medical at the Holiday on South 20th Street. Caller reports a man slumped over the steering wheel of a car in the street in front of the Holiday gas station.

Then, 2 minutes later: Medical, you can cancel. The caller made contact with the victim. He was just upset because his car ran out of gas.

Kinda like a pillow fort

Dispatcher: Caller reports a man underneath a picnic table at Veteran's Park. He's set up a blanket over the table and has some sort of case in front of him.

Heard of a phone book?

Woman calling in an attempt to locate her mother, whom she has not seen in a year. If contacted, the woman should be told to call her daughter.

Maybe she didn't have insurance

Medical call at Billings Clinic Cardiology for a woman with chest pains.

Maybe the smell broke the breathalizer?

Police officer out with a drunk man, requests an ambulance because guy is so intoxicated he "can't provide a breath sample."

Safety first

Caller reports a man riding a bright blue and yellow trike down the middle of Broadwater Ave. He was wearing a helmet.

Taking advangage of allery season

Caller reports a man going door-to-door selling Kleenex.

Scooped

Caller reports that there is a media crew taking pictures of the front of her house. She says their car is from KULR8.

Cruisin' in Gramma's ride

Caller reports a man driving a '96 Buick Regal and drinking out of a vodka bottle.

Universal ignition?

Caller is requesting assistance after discovering that they drove the wrong car home, and the car they have is reported stolen.

My dog does that

Dispatcher: Caller says there's a man scooting across the intersection on his backside.

Sorta like a vigilante...one that respects the law.

Dispatcher: We've got some sort of disturbance going on right now. The victim decided that the suspect needed to be arrested and dropped him off at the jail.

Officer: Alright, what does he need to be arrested for?

Dispatcher: I'm not sure. The complainant just decided that the suspect needed to be arrested and just dropped him off at the jail because they think that that's how it works.

That shouldn't be hard to track

Caller reports a group of males smoking a bong in a car. Personalized license plate is "Chavez."

Sledding on a flat street?

Scanner chatter: "Caller reports two eight-year-old kids sledding in the middle of South 27th Street near the Conoco refinery."

Good details

Dispatch: We need a unit to respond to an address on Westchester Square. Complainant says somebody kicked down her fence and stole her rake. She described the suspect as a 10-year-old male walking down the street with the rake.

Best pizza in town

"Respond to a complaint at the state liquor store on 24th St. W. Six Native American males have opened up a bottle of liquor outside and keep going into Chuck-E-Cheese. They won't leave."

Snowball fight!

Caller reports two young males throwing snowballs at her house. Officer to dispatch: "Oh, I'll take care of them."

Arachnophobia sequel?

Dispatch: Please respond to N. 29th Street. Medical is also responding to a woman who said she's been bit by a spider.

Officer: 10-4. Are we arresting the spiders?

Dispatcher #2: It's kinda cold out for spiders, so we're sending the PD.

Let's hope he can play frogger

Caller reports a drunk trying to crawl on 1st Ave. North. She is worried he will get run over.

Not chatter...

...but a press release from the Billings Police Department:

The Billings Police Department had a lost/found report of 23 chainsaw carved bears (several different sizes), 1 wooden moose, 1 moose with sled, 1 eagle totem pole and 1 concrete elf. The items were located in the northwest Billings Area. If anyone has had one of these items taken please contact the Billings Police Department Evidence Building at 237-6192, for identification.

Why I like dogs

Call from a woman who was bitten in the face by her cat at the Lazy K-T Motel.