Never bring a snowball to a bat fight

Report of a resident throwing a snowball at a neighbor's house. The neighbor responds by throwing a bat at the resident's car. Caller indicates the bat-thrower may be intoxicated and holds a medical marijuana card.

Dude, Where's my Car?

Caller is reporting that his cousin drove him home last night because he was too intoxicated. Now, the caller cannot find his cousin or his car.

Teach your children well

Call of a shoplifter at ShopKo. She is not causing any problems, and has four kids with her

It was a run-by fruiting

Dispatch: Respond to the area of ADDRESS. Complainant says there are people throwing bananas at people's windows. She says they're also putting boards down in the street.

The mailman, perhaps?

Dispatch: Respond to ADDRESS. Caller says there's a man walking through the neighborhood putting letters in mailboxes. She said he matches the description of a man who was acting oddly in the neighborhood earlier.

I'm assuming that's not a candy cane

Caller is complaining that her 94-year-old father is trying to beat her with his cane. He has a hold of her shirt and will not let her go. He is also threatening to shoot her.

DSL (Drunk as a Second Language)

Officer responding to a call of a intoxicated man passed out in a doorway:
"I don't speak this level of drunk, but I think this man's name is ****"

The only ride he'll find is on a Hot Wheels

Dispatch: Respond to ADDRESS. Complainant says there's an intoxicated man at the daycare there asking for a ride to Lame Deer. (about 100 miles away)

Hide n' Seek

Man is calling dispatch because he can't find his van that he parked downtown last night, possibly near the Babcock Theatre.
He does have keys to the van, and an attempt to locate has been sent out for a gray Windstar van.

Hug it out

Dispatch to officer talking about a caller: "The complainant keeps hanging up on us, so we don't have any further [information]"

Officer: "Roger. Do you need a hug?"

Smoking is bad, kids

Ambulance dispatched for a woman who lit a cigarette while on oxygen and has facial burns.

Where's the beef?

Dispatch: "Respond to XXXXXXX. The complainant here said a man in a white van pulled up and offered to sell the complainant discounted meat."

Walk this way

Caller reporting that there was a 20-year-old woman walking backwards down the road. She would like her welfare checked.

Just stop and ask for directions already

Caller is reporting a male and a female in a pickup truck who are punching each other while driving. The caller would like the area checked.

That makes it easier to get her out then.

Dispatch: Respond to LOCAL BAR for a woman stuck between the building and a smoke shack.
...30-40 seconds later....
Dispatch: Caller says that there are about six people out there who tried to help her. Sounds like she's pretty stuck.
...30-40 more seconds, after firefighters arrive to help...
Firefighter: Dispatch, she's not stuck. She's just down. You can cancel Rescue 2.

Maybe it was Calvin

Caller reports that a man urinated on his car. The suspect was wearing a beige jacket, cowboy hat and blue jeans.

Doing a snow dance in his snow pants

Dispatch: Respond to ADDRESS. Complainant says there's an intoxicated male dancing around on the sidewalk in front of the house.